By Jordan Johnson, LPC (VA, WI), LPCC (MN)
This post covers a few simple ways to build emotional connection as a couple. They are saying how you feel with an "I" statement, avoiding "You make me feel...," and inviting a partner who has shut down or pushed back to talk. It also looks at why anger and frustration often point to a deeper need.
How to build emotional connection as a couple: say how you feel with an "I" statement
It's important to try and state as simply as possible how you are feeling using an "I" statement. For example:
"When we get into an argument, I feel lonely."
"I feel like I don't matter to you when we can't communicate well."
"I'm feeling worried about the future of our relationship. Can you help me with that?"
Try to avoid two things:
The phrase "You make me feel...," as that comes across as blaming the other person.
Mind-reading what your partner is feeling. Focus on what you are feeling.
If your partner is withdrawn or shut down, or pushes back when you share, it can be helpful to tell them something like the line below. Offer it as a gentle guess and an invitation, so they can tell you what's really going on.
"It seems like you're feeling some things that are hard to put into words. I'd like to hear more about how you're feeling when you're ready."
Someone has to make the first move
When you're feeling disconnected emotionally, it's particularly challenging to both regulate your own emotions and communicate openly about what you're feeling. You may expect the other person to make the first move toward creating understanding. But this can leave both people waiting on each other.
Anger is often a sign of an unmet need
When I work with couples with communication issues, I often start by encouraging them to think about anger and frustration as an indication that a need of theirs is not being met. Unfortunately, when we express frustration or anger to our partner about that need going unmet, it tends to prompt a distancing or defensive reaction in them. This typically leads to conversations not focusing enough on resolving the underlying unmet emotional need.
So, try to identify what need is under the surface of the anger and the frustration. Then you can adjust the conversation to focus on getting your needs met. Express the emotions that you are feeling. That can help draw your partner closer to you to help you find comfort in the emotional pain you are feeling.
Find the feeling under the frustration
Many times, we have a vulnerable emotion, such as loneliness, disappointment, sadness, fear, insecurity, or discouragement, that is the root cause of the anger and conflict in the relationship. What we want is for our partner to recognize, show empathy for, and comfort us in that emotional experience without blaming or criticizing along the way. We don't get that opportunity very often when conversations get conflicted. So it's important to slow conflicted conversations down and refocus them on the vulnerable emotional needs that aren't being met.
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These skills work best when you're both calm enough to talk. If things are already heated, it can help to pause first. You can read more about that in why communication skills disappear mid-fight.
Repeat back what you hear
It's also important as a listener to repeat back what you hear the other person communicating to you, including how they are feeling. That way they know you heard both what was said and how they feel. When you repeat back to the other person the words that they say and the feeling behind them, it can show them that you are not trying to challenge what they are saying, just demonstrating understanding of what is being said.
Bring more emotional language into everyday moments
Ultimately, the more you can focus on including emotional language in your interactions, the more you can build an emotional connection with your partner. It can help you both sort through some surface-level frustrations and get more at the heart of the issue together.
When this isn't the right tool
This is for everyday conflict between partners who both feel safe. If your conflicts involve fear, threats, control, or anyone feeling unsafe, leaning in isn't the right next step. Please get support from a professional. If you're ever in crisis, call or text 988.
If you'd like to work with me to improve your relationship connection, you can start here. You can grab a free 15-minute consult time there.
If you're in Wisconsin, learn more about online therapy in Wisconsin.
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